Is it all that complicated?

Or do I make it so?

Am I self-centred?

Is it me?

There are many questions and few too little answers.

There’s no point asking these questions with no answers.

Best to ignore and stay the course.

I have to put myself first if I want to survive.

Mental toughness alone is futile.

Complicated

I think taking one step at a time is a grossly misunderstood and taken-for-granted phrase.

Same in golf with one shot at a time.

Every shot does count.

I like to think of these steps as processual and meaningful in long term development.

Recently, I’ve taken some new ones, guided by new and purposeful directions.

Steps

You have to fall in the dirt before you can grow — or similarities on that phrase really make you think.

If I want to move forward, do I first have to move back?

And is moving back in the way I think or different?

These anxiety-inducing and stopping forces aren’t particularly helpful.

Instead: where do I want to go?

That’s a growth mindset.

Growth

I think we’re all seeking something.

Different points require different thoughts and wants.

Needs.

There’s a difference I think between aimless seeking and seeking because you need.

Seeking for attention or seeking for survival.

There’s little I can say to think otherwise.

I’m seeking.

I know what for.

I need to trust I’ll find the right path.

Seeking

When you make a decision, you hope it’s for the right reasons.

Not on impulse, nor irrationally.

Some are irreversible; however, I believe the ones made in good faith often can lead to much more.

I’ve come to the realisation that I may not always make just decisions.

Thinking selfishly has become a trait.

However, sometimes it feels like survival.

That’s human.

Natural.

But shouldn’t be the norm.

Decisions

I’ve had a marmite relationship with confidence all my life.

Sometimes I feel confident but I’m not actually.

Other times I don’t feel confident but look or act it.

Today, I feel confidence and am acting it.

A strange combo but one I’m liking.

It comes from somewhere which involves certainty for once.

Clarity.

I love and hate clarity.

Maybe I have an obsession of being in between.

Confidence.

There’s almost been a calmness about me the last few days.

I don’t know if it’s the blog taking affect or a change in mindset and outlook.

But I haven’t had any major issues.

I feel tired maybe that’s why my emotions have stabilised.

It may have something to do with a lack of expectations.

I am socialising more and feeling comfortable.

I don’t want to speak too soon, but it’s encouraging and something to rest on.

Calmness

You fall to the level of your practice.

Humbled again by the game we love.

However, I was happy with many things.

The result wasn’t great but I could be proud of a few things out there.

Confidence, conviction, strength in the scoring zones was a miss today.

It’s disheartening but not as bad as I’m making it out to be.

Head’s in a frenzy though.

That’s an issue only a good night’s rest can solve.

Discombobulation

Much of my life now is controlled.

I get through each day hoping to see what’s ahead.

That also covers something else.

I won’t be vulgar to share.

But it is a common occurrence of regular irregularity.

I deal with it as much as one can.

Predictable

If I’m being honest, I do struggle.

I have been struggling.

My anxiety peaks like it did before.

I’ve pushed myself to my limits and beyond this summer; however, I’ve not built up much resilience.

I still fear a lot.

It’s all irrational and I deep down know that.

But I’ve been resorting to a comfort zone.

The comfort zone has limits and they are strict.

It really prevents me from doing much else except golf.

Feeling safe is the operative concern.

I may need to see someone.

I’ll explore but I need to do some self work too.

Honest

Danial Naqvi

Joint PhD Candidate Business & Management at Manchester & Melbourne| MSc UCL Science, Technology and Society | BA (Hons) QMUL Human Geography |

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