I was going to start this blog with an analogy about standing on top of a cliff. But I can’t quite bring myself to muster up the intelligence.
I don’t really know what to write today.
Let me just type some words and maybe I’ll concoct some sort of array of words that form sentences and paragraphs — hoping to tell a story of my emotions throughout the day.
Mixed emotions. Confusion. Wonder.
That’s how I’d describe today.
I did a lot of wondering. People may say:
“When don’t you wonder about things?”
This blog would be obsolete if I wasn’t a thinking person.
I’m really stuck here. It’s not because I don’t want to write. But I have so many emotions whirring round in my head it’s hard to pinpoint what I want to convey.
More sad news. More contemplation. More discovery.
That’s another way to summarise today.
Whilst two weeks ago I was numb from mourning, today I’m less numb and more lost.
Although I said I felt lost in those blogs, the word is more numb in that sense.
This time it’s different.
It stays on my mind because once again everything is out of my control.
Comes back to the anxiety counselling I had which started about a year ago.
Training that I wish I had sooner.
Something that’s personal and lessons that I can apply to all walks of life.
I have techniques now to deal with a surge of anxiety (like standing on top of a cliff face — told myself I’d get one in).
I’ve learned being my own person is fine as long as I recognise that everyone is their own person too.
Everyone has different interests, views and preferences.
When someone’s doesn’t align with yours, it’s not the end of the world — it’s actually perfect.
There’s a chance for debate. Spirited debate that you try and control to stop an unwarranted argument.
Once again, I laugh when I’m thinking differently. Laughter is just a natural emotion. I don’t laugh to cover my sadness. I laugh because I find things funny.
I elevated my mood this afternoon by smiling at random commuters.
Work today wasn’t the most productive.
It was aided by a forty-minute conversation with Roya which I needed to put things into context.
So thanks Roya (if you’re reading this).
I don’t know really.
I’m thinking about things but nothing is sticking.
I suppose my mind is in a sense of shock.
Clouded by emotions that I can’t describe with words.
Sometimes writing helps that. I don’t know if today’s blog will help at all.
I don’t really have pictures of me looking sad.
I don’t really hang around people when I’m sad.
Nor do I take selfies of myself in any mood (only boredom on occassion).
That’s the emotion I want to portray.
One of sadness. One of being lost.
And most importantly.
One of perspective.
I got a few emails today that made me feel happy.
Progression is being made.
I’m volunteering during the London Marathon on 22nd April with The Connections at St Martins — the homeless charity for whom I have already done work for in the past.
I will use my experience from last year with QMUL to be better and more supportive without destroying my voice box like last time.
I will say one thing about my blog.
If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably a true fan and avid reader.
At this point, I would made a sarcastic comment about how you could spend your time better.
I do write this blog for me. I also write this blog to inform others who I don’t speak to on a regular basis about what I’m doing.
I feel I try to be as real.
I think and I write. There’s no processing. It’s just words.
I have an idea and I go. Sometimes (like today) it’s all a blur, so I write that.
The rawness. The reality. The truth.
This is my blog. I’m proud. It’s day 87. There are many days to go.
I have a whole range of emotions today.
No different to any other day.
This will be the way till 29th December 2018.
All the feels — all day, every day.