Epiphanies as relevant as they may seem are often short-lived. Lack of commitment stops them. Today I didn’t have an epiphany, I made a decision.
Just as you can see the expression in my face, today I clenched my fists and told myself that there is no other option.
I’m not unhealthy but I could become in such a state. This decision isn’t just about the gym. It’s a decision to start taking myself seriously.
A lot of people in the past didn’t take me seriously. The small, chubby kid with a big mouth and not a lot of good to use it for.
It’s understandable, I was a walking stereotype. Given the influence, I would’ve been the same in that situation.
This weekend and much of the week I spent time in my room ‘working’. I was really pondering and pontificating about all the things I wanted to do but felt restricted to start.
Countless minutes spent looking at the ceiling hanging halfway-off my chair or lying on my bed. I didn’t know how to move forward nor how to start.
My desire to do my current workload is limited and lacklustre. I was always labelled as the guy who never finished things so that’s what restricts me from doing something new now.
My decision is one that has taken umpteen epiphanies to trigger:
Run my body like a machine, run my mind like a temple and run my heart with compassion and empathy.
Let me break that down for ease.
It’s simple really, I want to build lean muscle. I don’t drink beer so the chance of developing a beer belly isn’t likely but something similar is definitely plausible. I have a lot of body fat which reduces flexibility and speed — two aspects key for golf.
I may look like a small guy, that’s part of the problem. I wasn’t blessed with the genes where I can eat to my heart’s content and not gain pounds. Fitness really is the key.
Eating comes along with that. Less sugary foods and more complex carbohydrates and proteins. The odd doughnut will be thrown into the mix of course.
I use machine because if I have a healthy and functioning body, half the battle of winning the day has already been won. I don’t have to worry about falling ill. Science shows that this is true.
I want to do more yoga. I want to read newspapers and more Medium articles. I want to feel as if I’m in control of everything I have reasonable chance of being control of. I don’t want to leave anything for chance.
This is sounding like a mission statement but it kind of feels like that to me. I’m done spending time looking at the ceiling waiting for the stars to align. I want to make my own future and it starts with me and my body and mind.
I also want to be more organised. Use to-do lists again, use my calendar. Spontaneity is important, it’s how Roya and I became such good friends. I think at one point in my life I was so structured that I had no room to move myself. I want to strike that balance as hard as it may be.
Finally, I want to clear my mind of toxic thoughts. Things that bring myself down without the need of anyone else’s influence. It’s hard with social media and all but that time will be limited to compensate.
Everyone has been through a lot in life. No-one has had it easy. As it might look on the surface, it’s not so simple. Living a happy life is one of the most difficult things to do as a human.
I’ve always tried to treat people with compassion and tried to be a good friend. Maybe sometimes I overstepped the mark and was (borderline) needy but it’s because my care was real.
I want to stay that way. I want to however now have the ability to judge how I should divide that compassion. It can be dangerous (to me) to spread it too thinnly. I get trapped in a cycle I can’t let go from.
I want to also stay vulnerable. Be a little more open that usual and keep my options open. I think it’s so vital to tell a story from being vulnerable. It’s my believable and more people want to be along for the ride.
I made the decision because I had to yes. I could’ve spent my days the same way. Now I am choosing a new way to go about it all.
This might seem like one of those epiphanies but I’m determined. More so than ever before.
I’m determined to witness the change and make myself better.
As one of my friends put it:
‘I’m working on that positive image of myself’
And I hope you’ll stick along for the journey.
Time for change.