Facing The Past
The best way to face the past is not as simple as straightforward dealing with it. It won’t work. Here’s how I face the past now.
‘The best growth comes after shock. Internalising the scenario change and moving forward with perspective.’
I come to you from a slightly abnormal setting.
I’m still in my room. The same four white walls.
Well… not as white as my almost porta-cabin apartment in Austin. Besides the point – same four walls, but rather than sitting in my beyond broken chair. I’m in bed.
I’m not using my laptop. I still have my bottle of water and light (just a bigger one).
I’m using my phone. Reason? The Internet in my house is down.
When I realised this was the case, I considered talking about this topic another day but there would be no reason sitting on this emotion.
As I’m writing this on my phone, errors may be in their hundreds and I’ll do a once over when I check it on my laptop tomorrow. But for now, this will have to suffice.
Back to the story.
I think facing fears is something that takes time. I’m not talking about facing concrete fears like spiders or heights but rather the past.
The emotional connection we have to the past is unparalleled. We always want to improve on our pasts.
When we fail to do so, a sense of overriding guilt encompasses our being.
My past definitely defines me. But it doesn’t control me.
I feel strongly about the counselling that I’ve received in the ability to face the past in a more constructive and positive way.
Today I had to do just that.
Two people who gave me a horrible time at school are members at my local gym.
I’d seen one of them before and made little eye contact. Today, I found out another one is a member there too.
They’re taller and better built than I am. And that’s always been part of the psychological battle.
I had a big voice and wanted fairness, even in some cases putting myself in the firing line when I had done wrong.
They didn’t like that and played on my quite clear and unprecedented vulnerability.
On occasion they’d act like my friends to get help with work – given my nature, it was an offer hard to refuse.
When I saw them there today, talking as they were still friends – I felt a sense of pride.
Pride that I didn’t succumb to the pressure of being in the shadow of a bully and never fulfil my potential.
I don’t know what they do now, I don’t really care but in that moment as we shared common space – I wondered what life would like if I was popular.
I wonder because I like to give my life perspective and understand the differences that could transpire under contrasting circumstances.
Facing my past had a lot to do with confidence in my present and future. I had that before but now I have the evidence to motivate myself.
Not much has changed physically – they’re still taller and better built. But over the longer battle to finding ourselves, I’m rather the tortoise than the hare.
Facing the past.