IFL: I Feel Lost
My sense of direction seems out of kilter. I don’t know what I’m doing nor why I’m doing it. It is a weird feeling. But there is something to smile about.
Maybe it’s the snowy weather we’re having in the UK.
Maybe it’s the fact I don’t enjoy some of my university modules.
Maybe it’s just general self-doubt.
The only way I can describe it is as such:
Imagine you arrive in a new country, you don’t know the language nor how to get from A to B. You’re stuck and have to figure it out for yourself to survive.
That’s how I feel. I don’t feel that my direction is as solid as I thought.
I get thrown off a lot and influenced. I need to explain this further so maybe I myself can get a better grip of what is going on. I’ll get to what there is to be happy about after I rant to myself in the following paragraphs.
I know that I should be working on two things; university and internship.
These two things I know. But even with the recent mindset I haven’t been as effective with either.
A big part of this is my phone. The dopamine rush that you get from receiving a message (good or bad) gives you second of adreanline. You feel valued, even if the message is a reply to an earlier question. The same rush you get from getting a like on social media drives you to keep posting. The blue light from our phone screens makes us addicted, we yearn for it.
I’m constantly waiting for that one person to text me. Checking my phone every other second like a matter of seconds is going to change anything. It’s a disease. It’s one millennials started and have to end.
With waiting brings worry, anxiety and depression. Common themes amongst my compatriots today. I’ve kind of lost interest in the quality of pictures I use of Instagram, yet instead of counting the likes I count the views of this blog (more on that later). My addiction is unhealthy. It makes me thing about people differently and I lose track of myself.
The commute routine that I had has somewhat stayed true but as my university adventures die down with the lecturers striking, I find it harder to do it on busier, early morning trains.
I’m trying to search for the answer because it seems like I fluctuate too much between highs and lows. While it’s right you can’t fail enough, I don’t feel my current state is productive enough to even warrant failing. If anything I’m failing myself.
I have ideas in mind but the preoccupation of work I have yet to complete limits the start of these very projects. I don’t know what will get me out of this rut. Perhaps a more concerted effort to stay away from my phone.
I remember in America, I was on my phone for very limited amounts of time when I was studying. I would watch YouTube but not be on my phone. Nowadays, I don’t feel like I know a time where I’m without it.
What needs to happen here is a more driven attitude. Some might say that’s not possible, but everyone loses track. I think I’ve been overwhelmed with deadlines, internship work and my ideas that I want to make true that social media, texting and waiting around for people has got in the way.
I need to focus more on what I can control rather than what I can’t. That’s it. I’ve been trying to control what I can’t. That’s been a killer for me before and I think it nearly caught victim of me again.
My future. Direction. Vision. I can change that. I have control.
When people text me and the amount of views I get on this blog I can’t.
No-one owes anything to me. No-one should feel like they do. So I should stop thinking that people do. I will make my own path whether I get that Whatsapp message today or in two weeks from now. That shouldn’t affect my mood. It’s actually really silly and childish when I think about it.
And breathe.
Anyway… I do have very big reason to smile.
I can’t affect the number of views but I suppose the perseverance, good will and gestures I’ve tried to make along the way have made an impact.
791 views in 30 days. That was a bit crazy to think about at the time. I started on 29th December and my blog had erupted. I was ecstatic and it only propelled me to write more.
Fast forward 30 days.
That is just under a 400 view rise from first to second month. It might be helped by the climate article I wrote that got 199 views. However, other pieces have got 110 and 75 views respectively this month.
Apart from the people who have directly told me they read these words on the internet about my life, I otherwise don’t know who any of these views are.
So I guess thank you for reading. I will endeavour to grow to 1500 views next month. Let’s just see if my mood fluctuates as much as that bar graph does.
Control what you can because everyone has their own agenda.