I’m Conflicted

Fighting yourself is always tough. It’s what stops us from doing things we want to do and makes us question our mission or purpose. I’m conflicted.

Me tripping up in South Quay, Canary Wharf, London, UK

Please enjoy this picture of me falling over the concrete corner.

I didn’t see it and somewhat describes where I am right now.

It’s a battle with the mind.

Weighing up the options and determining best fit.

I don’t discuss much of this with others because it’s too complicated to articulate over text.

Today, I am very tired. Not a complaint. Just how I feel. I’m not fed up. Rather I’m quite grateful for some opportunities that have landed on my lap in the last few weeks. I’m just physically exerted and in need of sleep.

Anyway.

Here’s the dichotomy.

I have interests. I have recognised that these interests need nurturing and I am allowed to harvest and grow them.

I have finally accepted that other people have their own interests. Their own lives and their own concerns.

Now, I put my interests before others. I have learned relying and expecting too much from others, only damages myself.

My interests now are: personal projects, being a diligent worker for my internship and golf.

These are the things I most enjoy doing at any one time.

I like to hang out with friends but I don’t have any interest in clubbing or going to the pub.

Which usually rules out my involvement with friends nowadays.

So I present a dichotomy.

One where I know I should care about myself and not worry about others’ expectations of me.

I try to forget about it and focus on me.

There is a part of me that believes this is too self-indulgent.

However, in my personal projects I am working to improve the lives of others.

There are times where I’ll need support from others. But I know not to expect any help because of a long-standing friendship or a past favour.

I think I know what I need to do.

That is to focus on myself and let the people who want to see what I accomplish be there for the ride.

There is no doubt in my mind that I know the people that will be there.

Friends have told me that I have made an impact on them and there are friends that have made a serious impression on me too.

The fear of being alone will never be there.

I will never know those who don’t, but quite frankly I don’t care.

If I spend my time worrying about others, they will live their life and I will be stuck in the tire-tracks of their success.

I want to be involved with friends but I also want, more than ever before, to pursue my own interests and secure a future that I am happy living.

This time won’t come back.

I will never be this young again.

Opportunities come easier to those younger as the older generations want to invite talent from a younger pool of creatives and intellectuals.

Writing this out has helped me.

To align my thoughts and map my way forward.

I love to meet people and make friends.

I would love to hang out more with friends while still chasing dreams.

One may not be synonymous with the other.

But the emphasis on the latter.

Speaking to Phil, the chef at Orpington — he agrees that being there for someone must be a two-way street.

I will drop everything to help you but there resides an expectation to do the same for the other person.

I forgive and forget easier than before.

I move on and accept that some people may value my friendship less than I value theirs.

But that is life and I think everyone should realise their own preferences and stick to them.

So here I am trying to stick but being thwarted by my social side of my brain.

Dreams over being a great friend and being pushed around.

My mind is telling me that I can maintain strong friendships with people outside work and chase my dreams at the same time.

History and current speakers say it’s not.

The world is made for firsts.

Let’s see if I can do both.