LFW: Lost For Words
Failing to form a sentence or finding the right word to articulate never seems to be a problem. Today I failed to make coherent sense. Lost for words.
Chatter box. Annoying. Talkative.
Words that come to mind when I feel I talk to much.
Today was a quiet day. Almost silent by my standards.
I don’t know how long this blog will be. Even thinking has been difficult today.
This is another raw blog. Something that helped me to recover on Tuesday. Something I hope will bring the first signs of closure today.
I didn’t do anything today. All I did was try to organise the new committee members and plan for the future.
I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. Not for lack of motivation. Just general tiredness. I initially woke up at 8am and didn’t actually get out of bed till 10:30am. A first for me in a very long time.
I still feel tired now.
The weather doesn’t help. Beast from the East v2. Once again, blaming external factors I know won’t get me anywhere.
I feel somewhat in the same position as Tuesday night.
At a crossroads.
But, I have no idea which direction each path goes.
I’m thinking deeper than ever before. Not over-thinking but instead contemplating angles of debate that I had never considered.
Somehow my life has managed to find the spotlight. I know how. This blog doesn’t help. I allow myself to be put under the microscope. I admit that.
I also accept that people probably analyse me past my wildest imagination.
That’s not what concerns me.
What eats me inside is the thought that I’m unravelling all the work I put in to get this far.
Accepting failure is important. Understanding setbacks happen is crucial. But I’m not talking about a setback that puts me back to square one.
I’m talking about habit-building. The work done in recent times. The work that means more to me than failing completely and ending back at square one.
Two people asked me yesterday what I want to do after university in normal conversations — for the first time I didn’t know.
I know what I want to do in life but right after university? I’m not sure.
It’s not something I would’ve expected myself to come up with given the progression with writing.
The trap of the capitalist society means you have to make money to survive.
I have to create my dream job.
It doesn’t exist.
But how do I make money in the meantime?
I think the concept of time hit me hard again.
My Mum asked me today where I see myself to be personally in ten years time.
I said:
‘I hope I have a better sense of self and understand myself more’
I didn’t say about a girlfriend, marriage or kids. That all seems so out of the picture right now that I can’t even contemplate it.
I really don’t know. Everything that seemed so clear doesn’t seem to even appear at the periphery let alone the forefront.
I have this keen and strong image for where I see myself and the job I want to do. It just won’t make sense to anyone else.
As I sit here and try and articulate what made me lost for words today — my mind is clouded with a bunch of thoughts.
None that make coherent sense. None that have any validity.
This blog is probably a mess.
The emotion is raw and is coming out in heaps.
Today.
I ‘spoke’ to my aunt (my uncle-in-law Yousuf’s wife, whom passed yesterday) on the phone.
I asked how she was. That’s about it. I was a listener for the rest of the conversation.
I knew I had to speak to her. It’s not that I didn’t want to. But I didn’t know what to say.
‘How are you?’
That’s the best I could come up with. It’s an idiotic question because she clearly isn’t feeling great.
My Mum comforted me by telling me it’s normal not to know how to speak to those mourning.
I get it.
I’ve never spoken well over the phone to family. It’s just something I’m not good at.
I feel I’m taking up their time and breath they could spend elsewhere.
But I’m disappointed in myself.
I don’t feel I had the right mindset in order to speak to her.
I may have come across that I didn’t care enough. I stuttered constantly. It was like I’ve never spoken to her before.
On reflection, this seems a bit extreme. However, for someone who gave a mission statement yesterday in the QMGS AGM — this was quite the opposite.
I want to be busy doing things. I don’t want those things to be university work right now. I have put it off since Monday. Soon enough I’ll have to do it.
Clarity.
That might be it.
Everything that was clear is no cloudy.
Everything that had direction has now taken a detour.
All the dreams and ambitions have been put on hold.
I don’t know.
It’s hard.
I’ll be okay. I just need to use this blog as closure.
I’ve laid my feelings and emotions out on the line.
It’s not the time to move forward. I can’t call that. It’s a natural phenomenon.
I always look forward.
Just right now, forward seems a lot darker than the past.