LTEL: Learning To Enjoy Loneliness
An office job is not where I saw myself, let alone for my second job whilst still studying at university. But I have a feeling I’ll learn to enjoy my own company.
Your first selfie at work, in an empty room, with a lacklustre attempt to capture the Barclays and State Street buildings in the heart of Canary Wharf — probably shouldn’t be on your first day.
I took the opportunity and have no regrets.
Linking to yesterday’s theme, I think my blogs do better in terms of engagement and my general feeling thereafter when I talk about me rather than my day.
Today I’ll do both, successfully or not — we’ll soon find out.
Loneliness is something I’ve always feared, stigmatised as being bad and signalled it as a negative.
I think I might be turning the corner.
Today was my first day in a 9–5 job. Granted it’s only two days a week and rather minor compared to the real world. But if you step back and look around, I can’t see anyone doing something similar who is my age.
The combination of full-time university and part-time work where I work 16 hours is unusual and rather special.
I’m alone in the feeling of working in a similar field to what I want to do in life whilst studying a degree that is also intertwined.
My job as content and communications for the company is rather relaxed. There are no strict dress requirements, an informal environment where everyone is happy to be in one space and I’m feeling very comfortable.
It’s like being at home writing a blog. I just put my music in and write along the rhythm of the music.
Anyone who knows me and messages me regularly will notice a period of silence on all social media. That’s when I’m writing my blog. I like this time away from everyone. It’s my time. I say I hate to be lonely, it’s just an external thought whilst inside a yearn for that constant to exist.
I have freedom to have my own space whenever I choose with no restrictions or formal lunch breaks. When I feel the environment gets too much I can wander outside for a break and return minutes later.
It’s hard not to like the set-up. This situation will help me become comfortable with myself. Whilst all the support is a footstep away from my desk, I want to try and work as independently as possible and only ask questions when it is truly necessary.
After work, I co-chaired a careers event at university. It was a mad rush to be a commuter with Canary Wharf big boys. However, I must say it was awfully British. Orderly queues to get onto the tube, I don’t think I’ve seen anything quite like it. After a long day at work people have the ability to wait their turn and be respectful. Maybe there is hope in the world after all.
The careers event was a resounding success. Credit to Catarina for organising and instigating the creation of this evening. The four speakers and audience both engaged to Catarina and I’s questions. I got some useful insight from an academic who has dabbled (quite profoundly) in journalism, Simon Reid-Henry. I hope to have further discussions about figuring a career path.
Simon spoke about being alone during research and how he quite liked it. He advocated for it. To the dismay of other panelists, he was adamant on the fact that loneliness allows you to focus solely on your work with no distractions.
It made me think. Maybe I’ve been too social as a result of over-compensating for a social excluded childhood. Have I overstepped the mark? Do I now depend on others?
I don’t think I have… yet. But if I don’t learn to do so soon then I might find trouble being abroad for long periods of time, with no set return date and no-one to turn to.
I met Keri after some time to drop off a present in return for her gift she kindly bought from Vienna. She told me she likes Sour Patch Kids and I knew the place to get them. I think she was happy with the trade-off.
Upon catching up, she mentioned a solo trip (I also read it in her blog). I asked if she liked to travel alone or if she was enjoying her small ventures abroad so far. She said that she has been. It takes her to places that she couldn’t imagine and that she is learning more about herself and her abilities. It reminded me of solo-travelling in the USA. I loved it. Why couldn’t I apply it to daily life?
All these questions circulated my head. I’m now here writing my blog. It’s something that I like to do alone and uninterrupted.
Perhaps I’ve been suppressing the feeling of loneliness and replacing it with another emotion to mask the supposed negative effects of it.
I’m certainly going to learn to enjoy loneliness even if internally I have been this whole time.