RML: Reaching My Limit
Today I struggled. I achieved early in the day and slumped to mediocrity as time went by. Today I mentally crashed and this is what I learned.
‘The train arrived, applied its brakes. I walked back to the Metro stand, dropped the newspaper off and left the station.’
Low image quality provided by Snapchat always does me justice.
This is how I felt today. Like a zombie. Over-worked and under-rested.
Today I tell a story of under-consideration and naivety. A failure if you will.
It’s nearly 2pm.
I arrive at the train station to go to a one hour lecture. It’s the only one of the day. It takes over an hour to go to university and back. Already in my mind, I wasn’t sure I wanted to make that journey. To make it worse, the train was late and I was probably going to arrive late.
Surprisingly, the Metro newspaper was still in the stands. I pick it up and look at the headline. At the moment, my biggest fear came to fruition again.
Let’s rewind. Before I went to Austin, I used to live a very stressful life but I enjoyed it. I neglected rest and I had just finished counselling for mild anxiety. All this stress was self-created and self-motivated. This fear came into my life every other month.
Since I had been in Austin, it happened once and was very mild. I took action immediately and the symptoms were non-existent.
Coming back to the current day, I looked at the emboldened headline and I stopped. I looked around and it wasn’t going away. It was happening again.
The best way to describe what happened is this — it’s similar to scratching or striking through a word on a page using a pencil or pen. When you do that, it impedes the person reading from clearly signifying the word and knowing its meaning.
Imagine that but the newspaper was flawless but the scratch/ strikethrough appeared to be on my eye. Metaphorically of course. It’s almost like a line of static that covers letters in word.
I looked up for the simple reason that it happens in certain lights and it may have just been the angle. The train was arriving in 4 minutes, I drunk some water and eat Fruit Pastilles to try and ignore it.
The train arrived, applied its brakes. I walked back to the Metro stand, dropped the newspaper off and left the station.
The walk home was terrible. I felt like sh*t and I couldn’t wait to lie down in my bed and sleep.
How did this happen?
I started formal employment again, I was accountable to someone apart from myself.
I had early mornings and I didn’t prepare the best for the lack of sleep I would have with my current bed time.
I don’t wrap up as much as I should in the cold. I need to be better equipped to Britain’s mysterious weather sequences.
But… having said all that. Yes, I failed. Yes, I misjudged. However, I made the best decision by not being stupid and forcing myself to get on that train and suffer through the day.
Before I went to Texas, I probably would’ve boarded that train out of pure stubbornness and a voice in the back of my mind to ignore my body.
Self-care and self-appreciation are two aspects that I’m trying to implement (rather unsuccessfully it must be said) but I’m trying.
I woke up from my nap, procrastinated watching YouTube videos and then I started to work again. My head was still pounding but I have a due diligence to give everyday my best effort.
That’s where I feel I’ve failed today. I didn’t give my best effort. I tried but it wasn’t the perfect result. And while the perfect result isn’t always possible, it’s what we all want every day we live.
I spoke in the summary about achievements earlier in the day. I have arranged interviews for my internship with executives at very-well known companies and will motivate and push me to perform.
I have just received this email. As I write this blog. Right here, right now.
Whilst I’m disappointed that the climate change article was not well received by Cambridge, I take this in my stride.
It seems fitting that my article receives a score of 11/25 on the day I write about mentally-crashing and having to re-evaluate.
I must say it is a unique feeling for someone to tell you that ‘not much research was done’. I spent three days writing and researching. More time than I have ever spent on an article. I worked on a strict deadline, was thrown punches by publishers and self-published.
I have no interest in pursuing reasons for their decisions because I have better things to do. As I write every day I learn more about myself. I improve and I grow.
Looks like I won’t be acknowledged by Cambridge… but who cares? I think it’s important to recognise that sitting and making small movements rather than fighting the big fish every day will lead to longer-lasting success.
I do tend to go for big success once in a while. It didn’t pull through this time. I’m sure of my abilities but this reminds me to stay sceptical and forever inquisitive, humble and grateful of my abilities and always wanting to learn.
Failure… it’s part and parcel of the job.