The Hard Part
Our lives so steeped in expectation, vision and filtered realities. It’s hard to see when people are fighting. My dissertation is great but, here’s the hard part.
‘We all have our own battles that we have to overcome. We all need support, sometimes we take that support in the form of alone time. My battle is yet to come with regards to my dissertation, the ‘easy’ part is somewhat nearing completion. Now, it’s crunch time and I’m just fully realising it.’
I just want to write this, unedited and free.
I usually use Grammarly to correct my grammar because it’s not one of my strong suits when it comes to my own writing.
This is not about editing.
It’s about being real to the situation, many of us shy away from it because it means that we are weak.
Wrong. It means we’re strong, self-aware and resilient.
Many of us keep it to ourselves but, this is a battle that needs to be shared to make others feel less alone.
I’m not stressed about it now.
I’m aware that I could become so in the near future if I don’t take the necessary steps.
I’ve battled against the early signs of it in more recent times.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it again.
I am massively unproductive on the important things that need to get done.
In the larger system, I spend my time as well as someone who has no idea how to spend their time. Nothing to do. Sits around and ponders.
My actionable movements are comparatively small.
They often make big splashes and it creates a ripple effect which I feed from.
At this moment, I’m definitely not unlocking my full potential nor using my time as effectively as possible.
But as with life, nothing is a straight line.
This anticipated stress relates to the second-half of my dissertation.
I would say the first part is nearing completion.
The collection of data.
This part in itself seemed rather impossible to start with, and I don’t think I would be in this position if it weren’t for the generosity of others.
I’m in a grateful position where I have possibly too much information.
I started this project with an ambitious plan of filling holes with minor research methods.
My structure was diversity rather than intensity.
I took pictures which I still haven’t formally organised nor taken notes from.
I’ve done archival work and taken pictures of relevant pieces that I think would be useful for further analysis.
I still have a reading list of things I need to read in the library.
But how do I spend my time when I haven’t got interviews?
I come back to the apartment. I might clean the kitchen. I will ponder around, spend some time looking at social media on my bed. And maybe I’ll watch some ESPN.
Then I’ll rush to get the interview material ready for the next time I have to leave the apartment.
I’ll arrive just in time and shock my responsive system.
That seems to be when I’m most alert.
What I should (conditional verbs will end us all, seriously (!)) do instead is transcribe the interviews I’ve done and send them to people for their approval. I should go to the library and spend some more time with the books. I should do a lot of things.
I just don’t.
I think it’s something I’ve mentioned before — in some ways, I’m scared of completing tasks for fear that there will be nothing to do afterwards.
I’d rather see my to-do list stack up and complete tasks with minutes to spare than have a completed list at the end of the day.
That might be a reason I keep starting projects.
It’s a good problem to have.
It means that I always want to work, and that can’t be seen as bad.
It also means that I can prioritise.
But, it also can lead to false prioritisation.
Where I should be doing all the things above, I’m doing menial tasks that can be taken care of during the evening and don’t require much energy.
I hope by writing this down, it helps me to move forward.
I have a lot to do, and I will be extremely busy when I return to the UK.
This week I have downtime to take care of the nitty-gritty parts of this project.
The transcribing will be the hardest part.
The compiling and structuring the report will take its form as I transcribe.
One step at a time.
There is a lot of hard work to do before I can call this a complete dissertation.
The clock is ticking with the project due in January.
The hard part.