Unwarranted Apologies

It’s so British.

And it mildly annoys me.

Because it’s not warranted.

In some situations it is, but in most it’s completely not necessary.

I’ll explain in what context and why.

I’m talking specifically here about texting.

Not email, texting and social media messaging.

Email is a different beast and I don’t really hold strong opinions yet, mainly because I’ve yet to spend an inordinate amount of time doing them.

But I do text and I do use social media for communication.

So I have issues here.

The issue I think stems from a belief that we must be attentive to other people, all the time.

This is truly very false.

There is a (in my head) clear line between being rude and not replying in your usual time period.

I want to make a distinction here.

Between time sensitive and non time sensitive conversation.

Time sensitive conversations, in its name, require quite immediate responses. Because there is some sort of expiration or deadline on the request made to the other person.

There are many reasons why someone may drop the baton here.

One may be that you message out of the blue and the other person is not near their phone.

Another might be a loss of signal or connection.

The list goes on.

But these are not the conversations with which I pick issue with here.

I pick issue with the conversations that aren’t time sensitive and make up the bulk of conversations had with friends and family on social media and texts.

Going back to an earlier point of rudeness vs timeliness.

I think everyone has a common understanding of how long a reply should take.

Especially if you ask a question or want to continue the conversation.

And that request or ambition may not be mutually shared.

The best thing in this situation is either to find a way to squash and limit the conversation, or to be honest and say that you don’t have the time to talk right now because of X, Y and Z commitments.

Honest communication is key everywhere.

So let’s say the communication path is mutually entrusted and shared.

Then you have what timescale is appropriate.

I don’t really have a set one, but many people do.

Some say it should be within 15 minutes, while others say it could be a day.

I’d like to think my tolerance is pretty high compared to it used to be.

Admittedly, the people I want to hear from more often I will check if they have replied.

But nowadays, I’m not hanging on the response.

I actually default to not worrying about a response ever.

But I think there are some differences.

When the reply does come back, and it’s been after a number of weeks, when subsequent posts have been made on social media and interactions with others are obvious; I think there is some resentment that is allowed to be felt.

Because you feel a little worthless in that moment.

I think that’s fair and I think most people would agree.

Everyone has a desire to be wanted and to be involved, so that can feel like a punch in the stomach.

Another example might be that you see them in person and that haven’t read or replied to your message.

Especially if it has been some time, over maybe a week, that interaction can be quite awkward.

Those are the only two which I have encountered which make for difficult consumption.

But I try and reply to everyone within a day, mainly because I don’t really like clutter on my phone.

Worrying about who to reply to and what correspondence I have isn’t something I need to devote my headspace to especially in these incredibly generative times.

But that’s just me.

So I guess I’m saying that you need to put yourself first always.

I learned that the hard way.

And so that might mean that you don’t reply to people for a while.

That’s why I turned off social media notifications.

It’s important to take that time for yourself.

And not to bother people if they don’t reply.

Of course, check up on them if they haven’t replied for an extraordinary amount of time, but don’t worry about it too much.

Apologies are granted in many situations, but texting is usually not one of them.

I usually see apologies as an insecurity within the person delivering it.

They want to be better than their current performance.

It may resolve the communication between participants, but it doesn’t resolve the internal conflict.

That comes with time.

Anyway, rant over and out.

Unwarranted Apologies