WISM: What Is Stopping Me
I talk a big talk. I try. Emphasis on the word ‘try’, to walk the walk. I am stopped by responsibility and myself. I need to explain to whoever will listen.
This is something that needs to be explained.
To whoever will listen.
I don’t care if no-one takes interest.
It needs to be out there. It needs to be known. It needs to be in writing.
In recent times, I haven’t been arrogant about my own ability.
I try not to place people below me. I see myself as equal. Not worse nor better.
But I’ve known for the last year at least that I’m different.
I feel I have a role to play in the world, far past sitting behind a computer screen writing blogs or press releases.
Just like in this picture. I’m a spectator.
I want to be flying high.
I want someone to watch me. I want to do the action.
It’s a whole load of ‘wants’, with no credible and realisable action.
I call out people for not admitting their failures.
Painting a picture on social media that is one of happiness, when in reality they are dying inside.
It’s something I do more and more.
Errors of judgement, taking a leap of faith that didn’t fall into place.
All of it. Exposed and known.
But I’ve missed one. Not because I was hiding it. But because I wasn’t even admitting it to myself.
I didn’t want to hear the words. I didn’t want to admit that I’m actually failing at what I set out to do.
Yes, my mind is stopping me.
But there are responsibilities. Time is definitely an issue.
This is not just a list of excuses. It’s a list of the reasons why I have failed to become anything so far.
Not internationally-known. But self-fulfilment.
Seeing things through.
I don’t do that. It’s a historic trait. Not being able to start a project and see its finish.
It’s got better over the years.
I’m still a kid.
I’m turning 21 this year.
“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you”
Sure. So what?
I could easily be doing something now.
I’m hard on myself because I have all these great ideas but I have no action.
They are debates in my head. They end up failing because I psych myself out.
This all started when I left school.
I finally realised I’m not bound within a structure that was dictating my future.
I had the chance. I still have the chance to do something great.
I’m stopped by thought.
I’m still bound by structure.
I’m still stuck by expectation.
But most importantly, I’m stuck because I think the world around me doesn’t want to hear.
Adil, a friend from university, posted a quote on Instagram about taking a leap of faith or living a lonely life.
I replied with ‘I choose the former’.
He replied with what might be the epitome of my struggle.
“I wish life, situations and us as individuals were that easy…”
Easy.
It’s something about difficulty.
It’s so true. I’m not denying it.
This saying helped me to accept what I think is stopping me and what actually is stopping me.
University is stopping me. Yes. But I have proven you can do more than just university so deadlines isn’t the only thing.
Having said that, if I was so determined to do things I’d want to finish the assignments quickly. Every word is even harder to write as I approach the hand-in dates. Why?
I’m scared. Afraid. Confused.
I don’t want university to end and have to live up to my own expectations.
I suppose that’s the real truth.
I don’t know how else to explain it.
I want to take the leap of faith. But I almost want someone to push me.
I’m happy to admit the failure (if it were to occur) after the fact, but not willing to put myself in that position.
I need the desire to what to put myself in that place.
Right now, I’m not happy where I am. I just reluctant to take the next step.
I don’t even know what the next step is.
I just need to do. I need to create.
I need facilitate that creation.
I need to help others find their own.
All of that and more.
I don’t know what I expect to achieve by this.
I feel I’ve talked about this before.
I’m not saying that after today I will be more determined.
That’s all crap. It normally fails and you wonder why.
I’m saying I recognise it.
I recognise I’m actually just scared of myself. Scared of my capabilities.
It’s not that I don’t want it enough.
It’s that I don’t want to put myself in a position to go back to square one.
Maybe after this I will take action.
Or maybe I’m not cut out for it all?
Who knows.
All I do know is that —
This is what is stopping me.
It’s probably stopping you too.
It’s a personal and professional struggle.
It’s stopped me dead in my tracks.
I’m spinning round in circles looking for answers.
Now it’s in writing. It’s official.
The last question to ask is:
How long will I be the spectator under the plane?