You’re Never Behind
Development is that strange phenomena which becomes a comparative contest when it shouldn’t be. In actual terms, you’re never behind.
‘Not a matter of if, but when. Not a matter of who, but I. Not a matter of failure, but progression. Not a matter of can’t, but will.’
‘You’re behind’
Sure, but on who’s metric?
Because if it’s self-defined, then it’s socially produced and perpetuated.
If it’s on someone else’s watch, then also ignore it.
There is a strong tendency to accept the norm as ‘good enough’ to generalise everyone.
You become an adult when you’re 18, either get a job or go to university.
You are asked constant questions on your future, not because people are trying to pry (but they also might be), but also because that’s standard small talk.
I don’t think ranking yourself on a scale is the best use of your time.
You already subconsciously and psychologically do that.
Social media, meeting people, talking about your day — it’s all judgement.
I thought I was behind.
I didn’t get some social cues or the importance of this or that.
That was in school.
But I wasn’t popular; I wasn’t unpopular but it was a case-by-case sort of situation.
I didn’t go partying every week, not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t get invites.
It’s not because I was socially reclusive but my group didn’t engage in much of that until after school.
I felt by the time I got to university that I would be so far behind that I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone.
It was an identity complex situation that I’ve spoken about in the past.
Academically, I was behind too.
During school term time, I was ahead.
I was top of the class, but the exams destroyed me and my grades.
I was behind those who had revised two days before the exam rather than months in advance like myself.
In a lot of ways, I was behind.
But I never stopped to think like that.
Because I knew that, while school is the worst kind of competition, I never wanted to be part of that.
But this picture shown means something.
An international conference 1.5 years after the height of that identity complex.
If I thought I were behind, maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this.
I don’t think I’m ahead.
I know I’m me.
That’s all I can be.
The problem with comparisons is that someone is always ranked higher than someone else.
Equals doesn’t work with comparisons because then you don’t make a convincing argument.
And if equals did work, we might find that we can have political conversations rather than discussion wars.
There’s a lot I am behind on.
When I deeply think about it.
But do I say to myself that I must rank myself and constantly try and improve?
Yes.
But I don’t perpetuate the subconscious by worrying the conscious.
For me, it’s much simpler avoiding all conversation on how well you did against other people.
A trend in school has turned into a red flag now.
There’s always a part of me that wants to stop slipping into my old self.
But I know it will always be part of my identity.
Feeling behind is normal in this digital society, and you’re actually outcasted for not knowing where you sit and defaulted to being behind.
My trajectory will be fluctuant, I expect nothing less.
But I want and hope my peers do their best this academic year and onto professional life.
Because comparisons only lead to self-hate instead of self-appreciation.
Or you end up boasting and forget to be grateful.
Either way it’s bad.
It’s good to be proud and I am.
But there’s that balance that I’m always trying to strive for.
Being behind is a mental concept.
No-one actually cares.
Except institutions whose jobs rely on you attaining.
But the general population aren’t bothered.
Really not.
It’s going to happen, you’ll find a purpose and hold on.
Never let go when you do.
You’re never behind